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– Trailers of the Weak

 

Hello, and welcome to the latest feature of the CineBomb site! It is here where every week I’ll be discussing a truly lame trailer that has recently been unleashed upon the public. Are you excited? I know I am! So let’s get the metaphorical ball rolling, shall we?

12.9.07 – Inkheart + In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=16243

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=11721

The worst trailers are almost always the most derivative as well, and today’s slam-bang duo really takes the cake. Brendan Fraser continues his downward spiral into mediocrity with Inkheart, yet another entry in the ever-swelling genre of Family Fantasy. As the narrator oh-so plainly explains, Fraser plays a gentleman who has the ability to bring stories to life simply by reading them out loud. This leads to the accidental unleashing of a dastardly fellow played by a rubbery-faced Andy Serkis, and so our hero, with help from his cute-as-a-button daughter, must stop him before…bad stuff…happens. I don’t know. This trailer sells its movie horribly, choosing to highlight groan-worthy jokes (the villain loves duct tape–it’s hilarious ya see) and opt for fast cuts to try and steer keen-eyed viewers from the terrible CGI work. Meanwhile, Uwe Boll’s long-in-limbo epic In the Name of the King has received yet another trailer, and it still looks awful, albeit in Boll’s unique style. Will it be as offensively grotesque and sexist as Bloodrayne, or just plain incomprehensible like Alone in the Dark? Who knows! All that you need to know is that Burt Reynolds plays a noble king and Matthew Lillard plays a valiant knight. You can’t beat casting like that, folks, especially when putting up your massive rip-off of The Lord of the Rings. You find me an actor better than Lillard at delivering a line like “KRUGG!” and I’ll eat my hat. Go on. I’m waiting.

8.13.07 – Dan in Real Life

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=18144

I wanna make something clear, and it’s that the trailer for Dan in Real Life is no where near as bad as those I’ve featured in the past. No, I don’t feel a sense of disgust watching this pitch for the new Steve Carell comedy, but the entire presentation does give off a whiff of ‘been there, done that’. It has a lot to do with the narration, I’m sure, which is so syrupy sweet and condescending in its delivery it’s like listening to a Christian motivational speaker. And frankly I’m not a fan of Carell when he’s forced to play the straight man, the boring schlub who has to have the jokes bounced off of him by the likes of Dane Cook or, in the case of Evan Almighty, CGI animals. Carell is at his best when he gets to play truly bizarre or cracked characters, like his turns in The Office or Anchorman. As an everyday family man in this trailer he just comes off as incredibly bland, and I don’t wanna watch that for two hours. Oh, and then there’s the music. Why didn’t they just play ‘I’m Walking on Sunshine’ or Avril Lavigne’s ‘Complicated’ if they were going for a completely cliched trailer tune? Again, this is not bottom-scraping material by any stretch of the imagination, but it still looks pretty limp in the entertainment department.

8.03.07 – National Treasure: Book of Secrets + Alvin and the Chipmunks

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=17312

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=18381

In the former trailer we see more evidence pointing toward the total disintegration of more than a few once promising actors’ professional lives. National Treasure: Book of Secrets, a sequel I’m certain more than a half dozen goons were actually waiting for on pins and needles, stars Nicholas Cage at his most bored and physically anemic and John Voight at his most, well, bloated. To be blunt, I don’t know what’s worse here, the lame-brain plot–which involves the dispirited duo hunting down the one book that apparently holds every single Presidential secret in our nation’s history–or the narration, which is some of the worst I’ve heard in quite some time. Who do they get to record such limp, uninspired drivel, the 20-something nephew of the assistant grip’s sister-in-law? Sheesh. Alvin and the Chipmunks fares no better, but at least it elicits a strong reaction from its audiences by being so darn creepy during most of its runtime. Portentous music and grainy concert footage matched with a demonic voice over is a combo worthy of actual chills, but of course, in the tradition of overused trailer gimmicks, this is all just a setup for the ‘wacky’ reveal. Yep, this whole time we’ve been preparing to watch a trio of CGI chipmunks! Hoo, weren’t we fooled! This is shortly followed by a joke wherein Alvin eats Simon’s poop. His poop, people. We should be hiding from this movie in caves. To the caves, I say!

7.18.07 – Rush Hour 3

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=13508

Why does this movie even exist in the first place? I think it has something to do with the obsessive-compulsive racket that is the marketing of DVDs. With a third Rush Hour we can expect thousands of cheaply packaged trilogies stuffed onto store shelves within the year, and I’m willing to bet there’s gonna be a lot of easily pleased fans of action-comedies swiping up those puppies. As for this fella, I’m gonna steer clear, not only from the DVD but the unfortunate theaters and television stations that happen to run this cheap looking pile of mediocrity. I used to be into Jackie Chan’s work to a certain, albeit normal degree, but man alive he is getting older and saggier by the second. And I can’t stand his dialogue in this trailer, which amounts to nothing more than tired attempts at “black” slang. Come to think of it, 90% of the humor in this trailer is race-related, and the jokes are so juvenile and mean-spirited it’s like they were written by dim-witted high school students. The remaining 10% is a handful of physical gags that actually lower your intelligence by looking directly at them as they unspool. Hey, Chris Tucker got hit by a chair! And it hurt! Boy, I sure hope nothin’ like that ever happens to me! On another note, I’m used to trailers pretending to advertise for other movies before pulling a supposedly funny switcheroo on the audience, but what’s the joke in this instance? Was I supposed to think I was watching a trailer for Dreamgirls 2? Gimme a break, people. You and I both know there’s nothing more to this movie than ho-hum fight choreography and Z-grade banter, so get to the cheese already! Oy.

7.12.07 – Daddy Day Camp

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=18783

This is the kind of trailer you may want to specifically view on its ‘Low’ setting, since the less you actually see of it, the better. In what seems to be an in-name-only sequel to the Eddie Murphy snore-fest Daddy Day Care, Cuba Gooding, Jr. fills the role of the formerly successful, now incredibly dispirited actor forced to endure vomit and toilet gags straight out of an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos. I would be fascinated to learn just what has been going on in this man’s head over the past decade, since his resume is now filled to the brim with similarly junky credits. Boat Trip or Snow Dogs, anyone? Didn’t think so, frankly. This trailer isn’t made horrific by Gooding’s ho-hum presence, however, but rather the sickly-sweet narration. “This summer, they’ll discover the excitement of camp..and the importance of family.” Sweet Jesus, are you kidding me? A man gets punched in the crotch and I’m supposed to accept this as family-oriented entertainment? And check out the zany cast of child actors. One little girl talks like an adult! Hilarious! Another has a mullet, and is actually named Mullet! Guffaw! I pity anyone who packs up their brats and takes them to this film, since they deserve every minute of mediocrity they receive in exchange for their $50 in tickets and stale popcorn. But hey, if you liked Are We Done Yet?, then I’m sure this will prove just as “entertaining”.

7.4.07 – Bratz

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=17862

Why should all of the Hasbro-loving boys have all the fun when it comes to movie adaptations? I mean, not all of us like big, scary robots destroying nice buildings that people worked hard to construct. That’s just, like, disrespectful. What we girls need is a movie adaptation of a toy we can relate to, for crying in a bucket. Hey, what’s this? A trailer for the Bratz movie? OMG! And OMG, OMG is the tagline for the film! How crazy is this? See, now this is a movie I can get behind, one wherein girls are taught to be themselves in the face of cliquey peer pressure and high school bullies. And what’s great about the Bratz girls is that they can do whatever they want–science, sports, art–and still look fabulous-chique! Plus, they get all the boys, break social norms, and learn all kinds of kick-butt lessons regarding friendship, teamwork, and self-confidence. All of the stuff our parents are too lazy to instill in us on an individual basis! I just hope that one day I can be as pretty and successful as the Bratz gals, because if not, then my life will be a total bummer. And how am I ever going to win the heart of the silky-voiced 7th Heaven announcer from this trailer to like me if I’m not as cool as them? How?! … Seriously, though, this trailer sucks. Hollywood has reached a new low.

6.25.07 – Stardust

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=13891It’s rather pathetic how Hollywood rabidly jumps on any and every bandwagon that may lead them to a large pile of box-office cash, but I guess I can’t blame anyone for snatching up the movie rights to a bunch of fantasy novels in the wake of Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings. However, is it too much to ask that these retreads at least try to have their own style? I guess not, since this trailer for the up and coming Stardust reminded me of so many other films of its ilk it was as if I was strolling through the aisles of the local Blockbuster. One moment I was thinking of The Princess Bride, another Hocus Pocus, and all the while I honestly had no idea what the story could involve. Robert DeNiro is a sky pirate? Mmkay. Michelle Pfeiffer is a witch bent on restoring her youth? Didn’t both of these actors have a quality reputation at some point? So many questions, so little time. Now, to be fair, I did find Ricky Gervais’ moments to be a tad amusing, but that won’t save this film from looking any better than junk like Eragon. As one truly insightful young lady sitting behind me put it, “Stardust? StarDUMB.” Bravo, madam. Bravo.

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