Worst Horror Movie Ever Made, The

Are you busy at the moment? Have you checked by the site for only a few moments before heading off to complete some task? Perhaps you need milk, because tomorrow you’ll probably want cereal for breakfast but the gallon you have is about to expire? Are you getting a call on your cell phone as you’re reading these sentences? Should you be finishing an essay, cleaning the gutters, picking the cat up from the vet, and/or clipping your toenails?

If any or more of these needs, no matter their importance, could conceivably be a higher priority than reading this review, stop reading. Get the milk, take the call, write the essay, clean the gutters, grab the cat, and clip your toenails. There is no need for you to make your way through to the end of this article, because I’m going to tell you exactly what you need to know in once sentence: The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made is a piece of garbage. See? The review is complete. Now make my life easier and walk away from your computers. Please? I’ll wait a few seconds. …

You’re still there, aren’t you? Cheese and chimney sweeps, people, do I even have to explain why this movie sucks harder than a Hoover? Can’t you just walk away knowing it left me so angry, so frustrated, and so bitter towards humankind I wanted to spit blood afterwards? Could you if you knew I kept getting up to tidy up my apartment while it played in the background, thus allowing me to tune out at least half an hour’s worth of footage? Could you? Would you? Fine. Let’s freaking begin.

I knew going into this my sanity would be tested. My alarm instantly went off when someone brought the DVD to a little get-together and the title was revealed: The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made. Automatically I knew two things would prove true by the end of the night. 1) This would not be the worst horror movie ever made. 2) This would be someone’s idiotic idea of making a bad movie…on purpose. Yet despite my every sense warning me not to watch this tripe, my friends were insistent on popping it into the DVD player. “Laser abortions! Lesbian vampires! Zombie Jesus!” they proclaimed, already convinced this would be one of the greatest experience of their lives. Again, I was hesitant. Again, I was right.

This is nothing more than a drunken, stoned, pea-brained moron’s idea of what passes as humor in 2005. The moron’s name is Bill Zebub. Yep, Bill Zebub. Do you trust a guy who calls himself Bill Zebub to deliver the laughs? I trust him to stain his underwear and vomit into a cat’s mouth, myself, but now I’m getting personal. Wait, I wanna get personal. Real personal, actually. Bill Zebub, who is, again, a moron, got a bunch of his loser friends together and made this utter loser of a movie. They wrote the script, wasted valuable trees printing it out, filmed it, and somehow made a deal to get their efforts in stores. Good for them. Their movie stinks.

Now I know what you’re thinking, good readers. “But, the movie’s called The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made! It’s supposed to be horrible!” Don’t fall into this trap, good readers, please don’t. You’re smarter than this attitude. You know there is good satire and there is bad satire, just as there is good and bad comedy, drama, and action. If you want to see an example of quality b-cinema satire, track down The Lost Skeleton of Cadarva, which is everything Horror aspires to be but will never succeed. There has to be a keen wit behind intentional stupidity, someone who is smarter than the material they wish to lampoon. No one is smart behind or in front of the cameras used to make Horror. For them it’s enough to film a poop demon hand puppet squirming in front of a camera and make sure the hand holding the puppet gets in the shot. It’s enough to show crudely animated helicopters, snowmen, spiders, and bats because similar shoddy effects have been seen in “real movies.”

But let me just state for the record: Copying something doesn’t make you funny. Pauly Shore’s snotty nostrils pressed against a lens in The Bogus Witch Project is not funny, either. Such humor is lazy, obvious, and altogether tiring. At what point did the definition of parody get so warped the filmmakers and filmgoers of society lost all sense of true comedy? Airplane had something beneath the surface, a sense of pace and great timing as well as restraint, but I fear those days of humor are long gone.

There is no story unfolding as you watch Horror. The movie is an exercise in debauchery, supposedly pushing the envelope so it can get a reaction, any reaction, from its audience. I can compare this film to the neighborhood kid who would eat worms and let dogs defecate on his face all for the sake of a grossed-out crowd. There are indeed lesbian vampires and laser abortions, but also baby dolls on meat hooks, toilet paper mummies, and a scene where Jesus jerks off into his own stigmata hole. Offended yet? Well you should be, because this movie’s cr-r-r-r-azy! Don’t be such a fuddy duddy and relent to the mind-numbing foolishness! RELENT!

No, I won’t relent, thank you. This is tripe. Unadulterated sewage. I won’t say I didn’t laugh at Jesus saying, “Honor thy mother fucker,” but at a certain point my soul needed a way to purge itself of the anger bubbling within. There are better things to do than watch a poop puppet. There are dozens of individuals better at the art of satire that need your attention. There are so many more real b-movies you could spend your money on! Please, don’t let my experience be one endured in vain. Use the knowledge you have gained today and start fighting this insidious trend of brain dead comedy. Fight the ignorance!

One comment

  1. This guy is insane. The WORST HORROR MOVIE EVER MADE was awesome ! I bought it at a flea market for like 2$. Best couple bucks I ever spent. Me and my friends laughed our asses off. Yes it is horribly made. But that’s what made it so great. If u have the chance buy or see this movie !!!!

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