Double O Kid, The

Apparently I am one of very few people to have seen this low-budget Corey Haim disaster, as there are absolutely NO external reviews for The Double O Kid which you can link to from The Internet Movie Database. And while 112 people have voted for the movie, giving it a score of 3.3, only two individuals bothered to post their thoughts. So I kind of feel proud to be one of the few, the proud, the brave enough to actually step up to a counter with a Corey Haim movie and offer to pay good, green money for it. … Please help me.

The Double O Kid is yet another Corey Haim movie where the actor is irresistable to every single woman on the planet, even though here he has a nightmarish head of mushroom cut, bleach blonde hair and enough skin blemishes to, um, make a skin blemish coat. Haim is one of those actors who can really only play himself but with various names, and here he’s Evan, a CIA rookie who finds himself in the middle of a very boring and dull spy adventure. Seriously, folks, James Bond would have laughed his keester off at the lame antics Evan has to face here.

Wallace Shawn, better known as the voice of Rex in the popular Toy Story films, is the villain. And if you have ever seen Shawn, you would know how funny that last sentence was. He looks like a Keebler elf, and yet is expected to be a semi-intimidating bad guy in The Double O Kid. Give me a break, no one would ever find this guy the least bit menacing, since his little bald head and squinty eyes don’t exactly scream, “EVIL!”

Oh, and did I mention how this movie is set in the still very ’80s-ish world of 1992? Yeah, the fashion here is really scary. Everyone’s either running around in bright neon hockey gear or gigantic suits with about 4,000 patterns on them, and when we’re not subjected to that we are forced to watch Haim in a goofy, purple, Willy Wonka getup. Dated, thy name is Double O Kid!

Everything about this movie is lame, lame, lame. From the villain’s one gimmick of an Arcade Room of Doom, which features video games that actually kill those who play them (gasp, how evil…) to the snore-inducing fight scenes where Haim basically puls a Home Alone on the baddies. Oh my, Haim is squirting mustard in that big fellow’s eyeballs! Oh, the hilarity! Kill me.

And unless you absolutely want your eardrums to explode, I would advise muting your television while the soundtrack plays during this movie. There is one tune called “Western Side” which plays, in its entirety, TWICE during the movie. Oh my good gravy is this song putrid, and if I ever hear it again it will be too soon. They only play it when Haim is driving around Las Vegas, which is apparently the only exotic location the filmmakers could afford to shoot in, and I literally wanted to bludgeon the singer with a hammer every time it began.

Also, if you aren’t exactly a fan of muzak, be sure to mute your TV during the romantic scenes as well. I felt like I was in an elevator between a sweaty Greek businessman and his dandruff-ridden soup maiden. Wow, that analogy stunk. How about this: I felt like I was trapped in a supermarket with Kenny G. Perfect!

Don’t even bother with The Double O Kid, people. It’s just not worth your time, and it took me multiple sittings to finally reach the credits. It’s boring, it takes forever to go anywhere, and even Haim fans will be reaching for the fast forward button.

P.S. The only moment of hilarity came when Haim and his girlfriend were visiting a zoo and had to run through the alligator pit. We get a shot of a sign that says “Alligators,” then switch to a close-up of the face of a character named Trout (yes, Trout) who proceeds to scream, “Alligators?!?!?!?!” It’s definitely the film’s stinger. Moments later we get a peek at one of these alligators, and it’s a very bad puppet which doesn’t move at all except for its cardboard mouth. This movie is so LAME!

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