Blade: Trinity

While I’m not surprised at just how bad the third and final entry in the Blade franchise turned out to be, the complete lack of quality still made my heart ache. I really enjoyed Blade 2 (it was simply cooler than the somber, muted original which had terrible special effects and a puny villain), so there’s no excuse for the series to end on such a sour note. There is so much wrong here that I could see this getting the Agony Booth treatment, no problem. So if you love comic book movies, I’d suggest you stop reading this review before your love is put out like a flame in the night.

Trinity starts out well enough. Well, not really. It begins with a few helicopters landing outside a massive temple in the middle of a desert. The occupants are covered from head to toe in gear and clothing, and as they approach the temple one of them gives a tasteful birdie to the sun. Gee, do you think these people are vampires? I was already annoyed.

The vampires (oops, wait, we don’t know that yet) enter the temple and eventually take off their goggles and other head gear. One of them is a woman heavily plastered with bad makeup, creating the look of a dehydrated crack addict who needs their next fix. She is the leader of this little group. I could tell because when someone asked her about the “chicken scratch” written on the temple walls, she responded curtly by saying it was “cuneiform.” “It’s almost 4,000 years old,” she whispers mysteriously. Uh, yeah. Too bad you mispronounced the word to begin with, missy. And does the cuneiform come into play somehow? Nope. It’s just bad writing.

The other vampires are a big brute who’s played by one of those TV wrestlers (I don’t know his name and you can’t make me look it up), and a bunch of random toothpicks who scuttle about waiting to be killed by whatever is in this temple (sorry if I ruined it for you). Sure enough, when the group discovers a body under the floor beneath them, the tile turns to sand and a big ol’ monstah jumps out to bite the head off one of the vampires. It’s actually a pretty cool looking creature, but we won’t get to see it again until the finale (and even then it’s just a terrible CGI creation).

We cut to the big city, where a mouse scurries outside some random warehouse and past a beeping electronic device. We watch as the seconds on its digital timer move down to zero, and of course the next thing we see is the warehouse getting blowed up real good. Blade walks out lookin’ all bad, and as the opening credits roll he kills some laughably silly vampires. I swear, when he’s fighting a 125 pound Asian in plaid, you have to snicker. Why are these people threats again?

What follows is a lengthy car chase which I have to admit is probably the best part of the movie. Sure, the editing reeks of 2 Fast 2 Furious, but I dug it anyway. The way Blade gets his car is also groovy, with Whistler showing up out of no where in a semi which just happens to have one in the back. Talk about convenient timing! Anyway, the chase ends with Blade tracking down the last vampire and shooting him in the back. But wait, he’s not a vampire! He plucks out his fake set of chompers and laughs, growling about how they set Blade up. Meanwhile, the crack addict from the first scene gets the whole thing on camera. Curse you, crack addict vamprie!

The police show up almost immediately, so Blade has to high tail it back to his hideout, which is basically another abandoned warehouse. How many of these exist in the movies, anyway? Whistler gets on his case, but the actor playing him seemed so bored I couldn’t care about what he was saying. I couldn’t believe how dull this guy was, even when he’s supposed to be saying dialogue that shows how much he cares for Blade. I’m betting he was on the set to get his paycheck and not much else, because it’s obvious he’s not trying very hard.

There are many more points I want to make about this film, but at some point I’d find myself doing a full length review and that’s not going to work. I’d be more comfortable doing an article like that if I had the movie to watch at home, but seeing as how it’s not out on DVD that’s not going to happen anytime soon. Saying that, I will throw out a few more criticisms and save the rest for a later, much more detailed review.

* If Dracula is supposed to be the most powerful vampire of all time, why does he take two hostages and run away from Blade like a wimp? What’s the point? And how does having him kill a couple of Hot Topic-esque teens show off his abilities as a villain?

* Towards the end of the film some genius decided it would be cool to have the color red flash onscreen every ten seconds. Trust me, it’s not cool, it’s irritating and just about gave me a splitting headache. This is a terrible device which made me hate the film all the more.

* When your Suiting Up sequence, which is one where the heroes are shown preparing for the climactic battle, involves Jessica Biel updating her iPod list and putting the headphones in her ears, you have a big problem. It’s bad enough when good films like Spider-Man have product placements, but when a bad movie like Trinity flaunts them so openly, I get very angry.

So there you go, my gut reaction to one of the lamest comic book movies ever made. It may not be worse than The Punisher, but it comes darn close. This is no way to end a franchise, and I hope those behind this film are severely punished in the future.

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